Who do I love?

Happy Monday! Grab your coffee, tea, or wine and let’s get started! Today, things are about to get juicy. I am a single twenty-two-year-old. In many books I read, this would be horrible because the woman needs a man. However, things are different in the modern-day compared to 18th-century literature. Women: 

  1. Do not need to be in a relationship.
  2. Can support themselves.
  3. May not be attracted to men.
  4. Can be too insecure to approach a man.
  5. May be attracted to all genders.
  6. May not be born initially as a female, but still is a wonderful and beautiful woman.

There are different kinds of women with different stories. Women are starting to become in control of themselves and their bodies. However, there are still many steps to take before there is equality for women. However, I am not talking about these today. I am talking about dating.

I am not married, don’t have children, not in a relationship, or even really seeing anyone. Some days, I hate this and desire a companion so bad, while other days, I honestly think I am happy alone. I have dated, been in short term relationships, and might even dare say that I have been in Love. However, when I am in a relationship, I put so many expectations on my partner. Most of the time, they are not able to abide by these expectations. These expectations could be a good thing or bad. I may have too high of expectations, or I have dated horrible men. I have to admit that it is a little bit of both. 

I always go through these thoughts about being alone and just never dating anyone again. Maybe become a nun (I could never make it as a nun. Sorry mom and dad, but I think they would get mad at me for reading and practicing other religions). I go through my life and think: WHY DO I DESIRE A MAN SO BAD? I have so many dreams and goals, and for some reason, I have it in my mind that I need a significant other to accomplish them with me. I would like one day love to buy a house. Well, I will have to wait to see where my husband wants to live. Why can I not just be a strong, independent woman? 

Somewhere along the way of my life, I was taught that I need to have a man to keep me safe. I am not saying this is my parents’ fault because they taught me to be a strong woman; however, I was still told not to walk alone at night without a man. I was told that the only way to be secure is to have a man. Although it is sometimes dangerous to be a woman, I hate the idea of relying on men. Because if my dating history doesn’t say anything, not all men are reliable. However, I do not regret my dating history. I have been taught so many lessons from them, and in all honesty, I learned to love myself every time someone didn’t love me. The answer is YES! I am in love, but not with a man. I have learned through all the heartbreak that the only love I need is myself. If a man comes around great, but until, during, or even after him, I make myself happy, and this flame will never stop burning. I hope you all have a wonderful week. Love yourself, believe in yourself, and never stop dreaming. You are beautiful.

-Caitlin ❤


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by Shannon McCutcheon on Unsplash

One thought on “Who do I love?

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