Things Are Different Now

We can regret a lot of things in life. Look back, and you’ll see clearly; what you could have done differently. A person needs to admit these things to themselves, otherwise guilt will run through your veins as thick as blood. 

When someone dies, isn’t it funny that what you wish you could change comes to your mind first? Like how you could have loved them more; visited more; hugged them and held them more; laughed with them more. Yet, I know that I did love. I did visit. I did hug, hold and laugh- those memories are just as vivid. I guess regret is that little voice inside reminding you that you take things for granted. You don’t realize the brevity of life. You choose not to think about. When it comes, it blindsides you, and rears its ugly head and mocks you, trying to prove it was right. 

But with time you see light. You see pictures of the past, and beauty overwhelms you. You see the joy and purity in those moments. You can remember the smells, and the songs that were playing. Every piece is intertwined in your heart and refuses to let go- good, because I don’t want to. 

These are the moments that shape you. Admit it, situations like this make you realize what you can work on in life: your thoughts, actions, priorities. It uncovers the surface and you have to search well beneath you to find ground again. You are forced to look at the roots and acknowledge the weeds. Pick them, one by one.

I remind myself of divinity; my soul is longing for it. Surely a woman as admirable as my grandma has more to encounter than death. There’s got to be more! 

Her life was merely preparation for something even better! She deserves it! 

You can’t tell me that I can grow to love someone so much to only see them endure the most horrific experience possible in the end. That’s a terrible story. I hate tragic endings…

Therefore, I choose the heroic story. The one where Jesus wraps her in his arms and loves her just as I did, but yet, even MORE! Now THAT is a story. That makes grief worth it. That makes my own pain worth it. Yes, my hero. Now I can throw away the regret and trade it for peace. 

The best part? My Grandma taught me about that hero. She made it possible for me to believe in an alternate ending. She gave me the opportunity to experience peace. 

My biggest regret? The one thing I didn’t do during her time here on Earth? Thanking her for that. Thanking her for being so faithful to God, and being an example for me. Thanking her for her unwavering belief in a love so grand, that once we pass through the valley of death, we will meet it on the other side. 

I LOVE YOU GRANDMA 

  • Jess ❤

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